Monday, November 30, 2009

One Fat, Two Fat, Red Fat, Blue Fat

Dear Fat,

Today, I discovered that unagi is not sustainable.  At all.  It's like the worst thing ever.  We've depleted freshwater eel populations by over 80% during the past few decades.  Maybe you'd think, then, that I immediately decided never to eat unagi again, but all I could really think about is how incredibly delicious unagi is . . .

And that's the real problem, isn't it?  You can compare that to how I eat things that should be instant heart attacks just because they taste good.  Then, I eat too much because I want it to keep tasting good (and probably because of the same sob story of every fat kid: we're filling the void in our souls from the emotional deficiencies of our childhood--a cookie will always be your friend).

What do I do, then?  I don't actually get sushi that often anymore, so that means I'm not really impacting the ecosystem that much, right?  Well, since I don't get sushi that often, that just means it won't be that big of a sacrifice . . .

No more unagi.

My twisted conscience will win over my insatiable appetite this time.  It may not be enough to make me go vegetarian again.  Nor will I stop eating cookies or cheese or chicken tikka masala for the sake of my arteries any time soon.  But at least I have found my borderline.

One pound less fat than last week,

I.M.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Faterbury Fails

Dear loathesome, annoying, encroaching fat,

I write to you today to tell you that
Rather than succeed at our Fight for Fitness
We stumbled a bit, but now you will bear witness
Even though I failed this week to jog
I ate, but did not gorge myself like a hog
Tennis, football, badminton, and soccer
All were "played"--I know--it's quite a shocker
Though of six we only completed four
We also walked 2 miles, to and from the store
I've lost 2.5 pounds 'tween this week and last
Fatness, be gone! Out! My ugly past
I can't wait for my new wardrobe and new shoes!
Against you fat, I shall not lose!

I'll destroy you fat, even in the tightest pinch,
Fighting to fit in(to smaller clothes)--Love always, Fatticus Finch

Monday, November 23, 2009

The Unbearable Fitness of Being

Dear Fit or something along the path to Fit,

Jogging was about as terrible as it always is.  How do people do this for fun?

Another article, just because:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/8368057.stm

Completely overlooking the point of this article, Fatticus and I are adopting the temporary motto of "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."  We want to make it clear, however, that we do not approve of anorexics taking this motto.  Please don't sue us.

I already failed, anyway, because I got a California burrito at Roberto's after jogging on the beach.  Food tastes ridiculously good, so this skinny thing that everyone talks about better feel really damn good.

Oh yes, and I gained 3.2 pounds last week.  Muscle mass?  Wishful thinking?  We shall see. Get ready for Fat or Fit-ion's First Fabulous Fall Fight for Fitness and Flight from Fatness, coming this Friday.

Definitely thinking wishfully,

I.M.

Fatlas Shrugged

Dear Fat,

You win. Last week was a joke. Not only did I gain 3.5 lbs, I failed at everything. FHOABMAAMN, you, MIOUOBMD and herpes-of-the-mouth-zit did it. You got me. I am donezos. You know, I tried to be brave and bold and beautiful, but nope, you and the universe conspired against me. It went a little something like this:

me: I am a worthwhile human being and I can be brave. I will be brave.
universe: Mmhmmm.
me: No! You won't intimidate me! I am brave and I am beautiful. Take me for who I am: me.
universe: *pointed look*
me: Oh, that's right. I am me. Hideous, repulsive and above all fat. *defeated sigh* You win again, universe. I'll go hide my fatness from the rest of the world now.
universe: :)

It's so easy to forget sometimes that I am atrocious. And to think for just a moment that I can be greater than what I am. But nope. At the end of the day I am still me. And at the end of the week I am 3.5 pounds fatter. In a nod towards hope beyond self-loathing, I'm still 1.5 pounds less fat than when we started this journey. And I lost 3/16" from my waist since last week. Or maybe I just pulled the tape measure tighter.

Can I pull it tight enough to forget him?

Fatfully yours,

Fatticus

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Fat Club

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8369674.stm

Dear Murderers for Fat,

As if having fat weren't bad enough for us already (heart disease, stroke, knee pain, whatever), now we can't visit Peru?

Lesson of the day:
Fat people can be used to make European cosmetics.

I am appalled,

I.M.

As I Lay Fattening

Dear Mysterious Illness of Unknown Origin Beating Me Down,

Hey. Thanks a lot Mysterious Illness. I feel awesome right now. I literally cannot sit up. I'm blaming you, rather than my incredible fatness.

Oh man! I'm watching Bones right now and it's about a formerly obese woman who even after losing an incredible amount of weight (114 lbs) was still obsessed with eating and went to some freaky fatty sex club. Iew. Is this what I'm destined for? MIOUOBMD, I know that you aren't the one who is trying to keep me fat and unhappy, but I can't help but think that you are in cahoots with FHOABMAAMN to keep me morbidly obese.

Oh goodness. They went to the fat club. There are people literally feeding fatties bacon and frosting and ribs. Oh yah? I feel like this is a warning for me. Otherwise I might be in a feeder/eater freaky sex fetish. Iew. That's nasty.

Well MIOUOBMD, it's as if my fatness, herpes of the mouth zit that is no longer a blemish but is now a hideous red spot, and crazy hair weren't enough to make me look awful this weekend. Now, I have to be sick and sleep deprived. I am so hot right now. This weekend I'm seeing friends, friends who will love me no matter how terrible I look (I hope) and also someone upon whom, I've spent the past 2+ years trying to impress that I am not a repulsive, hideous fattie. HA! All of that effort gone to waste.

Hopelessly Unattractive,

Fatticus

On the Fatterfront

Dear Fat,

I'm a bum.  I think I've started to plateau already.  Really, I had this brilliant plan to go to the beach a few days a week around 3 PM and jog for a while before coming back to lab (there are really only 2 things that I really like about SD: the ocean and Hash House), but I don't think I have the time to carry out this plan until maybe Monday.  I HAVE been doing more sit-ups, though.  The sideways splits still eludes me, but I'm working on that as well.

Indian food for lunch today.  And then a few deep-fried turkeyfests.  I don't think I'm going to come out of the holidays any thinner.  You're gonna love this.  I'm making turkey-cranberry potstickers with a little ball of stuffing in the middle.  How about that for fusion?  They're like me.  Asian on the outside but white on the in.  Of course, they'll be deep-fried.  Hey, that's like me, too:

Full of fat,

I.M.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Some Body to Love

Can anybody find me some body to love?

Dear Body,

Why do you hate me?

I try to do right by you. I really do. I understand that I don't always fill you with the most nutritious foods and I don't exercise enough. But I work hard. Every day of my life. I try and I try and I try.

But YOU. You don't so much as make an effort to shape up. You cling to fat and make it your big fattie security blanket that you wrap around yourself to keep warm and insulated with a more than generous layer of blubber! This ain't the tundra sweetheart! No one needs this much insulation. Even greater offense than your codependency on fat pockets, a breakout?! REALLY!?!?! I really needed that. Thanks. And at the corner of my mouth? Awesome. Really, between the herpes of the mouth and enormous thighs, I could not possibly look any better. Now no one will want to kiss me.

I hate you.

-Fatticus

P.s. I guess I don't really hate you. You carry me around all the time. But I mean, really? A breakout? Uncalled for.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The Metafatofit

Dear Fat,

I lost 4.2 pounds from Saturday to Saturday.  Hooray for water weight.  And the fact that we were trying to gain a few pounds before our first weigh-in day.  Last week, I got to buy pants that were 2 sizes smaller than those that I wore during college.  According to my BMI, I have gone down from being obese to just overweight.  My new goal is now to be in the middle of the "normal range" for my height (well, slightly above that middle).  You may be wondering, though, whether or not I will be satisfied.

I think I've had to deal with more of an attitude change than anything else.  I'm happy with myself the way I am (despite the numerous self-deprecating comments that I make on a daily basis, but I swear that it's mostly tongue-in-cheek).  I'd be lying, though, if I said that I didn't care that the nicest clothes don't fit me, that I don't judge myself when I pig out, and that I don't embarrass myself a little every time I attempt any sort of physical activity.

As for today, I haven't done a terribly good job.  I ate two of the chocolate-covered Joe Joe's.  I should buy some celery.  And drink more water.

I am fat,

I.M.

Like Water for Chocofit

Dear Fat-hanging-out-anywhere-between-my-ankles-and-my-nose,

I hate you.

Since last week's premiere weigh in, I've lost 5 pounds. In your fat face, fhoabmaamn.

Truth be told, it's likely only water weight. Fatness, you and all your ilk are still hanging about. But I'll get you. Oh, I will. Maybe now I'm only trading water for corn-battered-deep-fried-chocolate-covered-fitness; however, a day will come when you and I are no longer together. And then what? I become pretty and thin and my life is awesome and you... you will be just a distant memory. Neither a sweet dream, nor a beautiful nightmare. I can feel that glorious day on the horizon. Wait for it. It's coming.

Peace out.

-Fatticus

Friday, November 13, 2009

The Great Fatsby

Dear Fat,

My body is a wasteland. Unfortunately, the holiday season brings Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Covered Peppermint Joe Joe's. I sometimes wish that food were less delicious. I blame you for cursing me so.

For the time being, I think that we should work on two things: (1) Significantly less overeating. (2) Sit-ups. I'll get to the aerobic part shortly. Beach jogging. Perhaps that won't bore me.

I agree with Fatticus that cheese is also delicious. Brie with grapes. Mozzarella with tomatoes and olives. Goat cheese on anything.

GAH,

I.M.

The Fat Also Rises

Yesterday I was awful.

So many meat products, so little time. Don't even get me started on the cheese. I love it. I really do. But it's the same old story; you give and you give, but you just can't make it change. It is what it is: a fickle, soft, pungent, delicious murderer who is just going to break your heart. Cheese-louise.

Last night, I drifted to sleep promising today would be better. First fail of the day: I've already gone back to my abusive cheesy romance.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Heart of Fatness

Dear Fat,

We have had a troubling relationship for the past 23 years of my life. Sure, when I was a baby, you were cute. Some may say that you were desirable. However, sometime between then and now, our relationship has become very unhealthy. You pulled me deeper and deeper into the heart of fatness.

I am leaving you.

For many years, I thought that if I just ignored you, you would go away. I thought that you would just slip away of your own free will. I made a few efforts, but you know that already. This time, it's for real.

There may be tears. There may be blood. But it will be worth it.

To a future apart,

I.M.

What's Fat Got to Do With It?

Everything!