Thursday, November 19, 2009

As I Lay Fattening

Dear Mysterious Illness of Unknown Origin Beating Me Down,

Hey. Thanks a lot Mysterious Illness. I feel awesome right now. I literally cannot sit up. I'm blaming you, rather than my incredible fatness.

Oh man! I'm watching Bones right now and it's about a formerly obese woman who even after losing an incredible amount of weight (114 lbs) was still obsessed with eating and went to some freaky fatty sex club. Iew. Is this what I'm destined for? MIOUOBMD, I know that you aren't the one who is trying to keep me fat and unhappy, but I can't help but think that you are in cahoots with FHOABMAAMN to keep me morbidly obese.

Oh goodness. They went to the fat club. There are people literally feeding fatties bacon and frosting and ribs. Oh yah? I feel like this is a warning for me. Otherwise I might be in a feeder/eater freaky sex fetish. Iew. That's nasty.

Well MIOUOBMD, it's as if my fatness, herpes of the mouth zit that is no longer a blemish but is now a hideous red spot, and crazy hair weren't enough to make me look awful this weekend. Now, I have to be sick and sleep deprived. I am so hot right now. This weekend I'm seeing friends, friends who will love me no matter how terrible I look (I hope) and also someone upon whom, I've spent the past 2+ years trying to impress that I am not a repulsive, hideous fattie. HA! All of that effort gone to waste.

Hopelessly Unattractive,

Fatticus

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