Saturday, December 25, 2010

The Fatcracker

Dear Fat,

Merry Christmas!  After some minor fluctuations, I have finally been able to maintain my 10-pound weight loss for two consecutive weeks, so I am now allowed to purchase a cast iron skillet.  Do you like how my poundage prizes are generally food-related?  My curiosity was piqued enough to look for a vintage Griswold skillet on eBay, so we shall see how that goes.  If I could now just find that Rhythm rock-n'- roll chicken clock, life would be complete . . .

Christmas this year comes down to caroling at an old folks' home, Chinese grocery shopping with my dad, and dinner at a restaurant in Irvine with the cousins.  All good times, but I vaguely remember, from some distant past, putting Christmas presents under a tree in a warm living room with a fire burning in a fireplace that had stockings hanging from the mantel as snow fell gently outside the window.  Vaguely.  Perhaps my real childhood memories are blending into those I recall from television shows.

Food coma.  Naptime.

Sleepy,

I.M.



P.S. WHY IS THERE NO WHITE RABBIT CANDY ANYWHERE?!?!?  San Gabriel Superstore, this is the first time you've failed me.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Fattaca

Dear Fat,

In an effort to stay dynamic with the rapidly changing environment in the technology sector, I decided to update the new facebook--before it was a mandated change.  I know.  I'm so hip.

Speaking of my hips.  They don't seem to be shrinking at all.  Maybe it's because I stopped updating mynetdiary (I said effort, nothing of success) or maybe it's because I'm not exercising nearly as much as I had been... but somehow, by this baffling combination, the pounds have not been dropping off.  Sad.


I guess I've been shirking from the responsibility of taking care of my body, thinking that it would just take care of itself.  In the immortal (?) words of Avril Lavigne, "whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly, yeah yeah ye-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah." there may be a superfluous "ah" in that quote.  I can't be bothered to figure it out.

 I figured everything would just work out like it was supposed to, and all I had to was sit around and wait for it to happen. I guess I thought the same thing would happen with my job.  But I realize now that if you want something, you have to work for it.  Chaos is the natural flow of the universe (and my apartment); it takes diligence and determination to create order.

With this renewed spirit, I take on my next challenge: Opening my cupcake business.  You can trust a fattie to make delicious cupcakes.  And do I ever make delicious cupcakes.

Festering in fat,
~Fatticus

[Really awesome comic that I can't draw yet because I'm on a mac and they don't have paint.  It's a really awesome comic though.  Just go with it.]

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Things Fall Afat

Dear Fat,

Long time no speak.  Perhaps it is because I am not anywhere near my second weight-loss goal.  After reaching the 10-pound mark, I seemed to have lost that maddening drive that I had back in . . . October, was it?  Hey, at least I haven't gained weight.  But these stitches on my leg will apparently keep me off jogging for the next few weeks, so it'll be an interesting exercise in more stringent portion control.  So far, no good.

I feel like I've reached a weird point in my life (an impasse?  a crossroads?  are those opposites?), brought on by the realization that I have no idea what I can/want to do with the rest of my life.  This weight thing provides a sort of distraction when I actually pay attention to it, but I think I have too much time left to myself everyday to think.  I should go out and do something productive for society.  Or watch more TV.  Right now, my day-to-day life is a lot better than when I started this grad program, but talking to friends I've known for a long time makes me realize that I had grown used to the almost codependent (or some adjective with a less negative connotation) relationships I had with people.  Yes, I get restless after staying in the same place for three years, and the idea of traveling and living in many places sounds awesome, but . . . being uprooted is hard.  Making new friends is hard.

What if we still lived in villages and tribes?  I'd at least always have friends and family around.  But then everyone would always be up in my business . . . I also wouldn't be able to escape from annoying people.  Knowing me, that might be a risk I wouldn't want to take.  Then there are all those rituals and rites of passage and nonsense . . . Yeah, now that I think about it, this is just fine.

Okay, thanks for listening.  We'll just focus on more concrete goals.  Let's limit meat intake to 1-2 oz. a day.

Until next time,

I.M.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Winter's Fail

Dear Fat,

I'm cold.  I want to go home.

I was supposed to 50 pounds approximately 6 months ago.  It's been over a year, and I've managed to keep 5 pounds off.  Here's to another year of broken promises, laziness, and overindulgence.  Cheers!

J/K.  I lost 2 pounds last week because I managed to stick to my calorie plan.  Math wins again.

Mathematically,

Fatticus

P.s.  I'm really cold.  Does this mean I'm losing some of my insulating layers of pudge?  Awesome.

Friday, November 12, 2010

L'Année dernière à Fatienbad

Dear Fat,

Oh, Fat.  Fat, Fat, Fat, Fat, Fat, Fat, Fat.  Remember last year when I seemed so determined to leave you forever and never look back?  But, alas, old friends are difficult to abandon.  At least forty of these pounds refuse to disappear.

Nevertheless, in spite of numerous setbacks time and time again, this year has offered a number of notable accomplishments: completing Couch-to-5K, giving up unagi, and holding very important FoF meetings.

I hope that tomorrow morning's weigh-in will place me at the 10-pound mark.  Next goal: another 10 pounds by January 2nd.  Happy Fattiversary!

On my way,

I.M.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

The Fattest Eye

Dear Fat,

Looking at photos from a few years back makes me uncomfortable.  Perhaps memory deceives me, but I don't remember thinking that I looked particularly fat.  I knew it, but if we're going by feeling alone, I don't feel any different right now than I did then.  Yet I am about twenty pounds lighter than I was when at my peak poundage.  I can better see the difference now when people go up or down by a few pounds . . . but I'm not entirely sure it's an ability I'd like to have.

I used to think calorie-counting people were just on the downward slope towards getting an eating disorder.  This is probably still true, but as I am trying to get rid of a different eating disorder, I'll try my best not to slide too far towards the other side of the spectrum.

Only 5 days left until our first Fattiversary.  Thankfully, the pounds are finally starting to come off, but it has taken a lot longer than I expected.  Did we set our goals too high?  Was the allure of all things delicious too strong for us to ignore?

Yesterday was a dietary failure . . . today, there will be jogging.  There will, there will, there will.

Losing 0.8 pound before Friday,

I.M.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Fat of Pi

Dear Fat,

Math is awesome.  It's like freaking amazing.  I'm going to murder you with math.  Marvelous.

I joined mynetdiary last week to track how much I overeat.  Week 1(well, half of a week): I overate everyday by like 400-500 calories.  WHOA!  However, my daily allotted calories in order to lose 2 lbs/week was a reduction of 947 calories daily.  With half a week, at half of my goal reduction, I lost 1 quarter of my target weight loss for the week.  Is that right?  Oh yes it freaking is.  Math: woo!

Yesterday, I magically managed to stay under my allotted calories, and get this, after exercising, I had 300+ leftover calories for the day.  Too bad it's not nearly enough to counteract the insane overeating that occurred this weekend.  When the waitress at Roscoe's judges you for ordering too much food, you know you have issues.  In my flimsy defense, it was the first thing I had eaten all day... at 3 pm... so my crazy starvation mode brain had me order way too much.  I don't really have an excuse for why I kept eating long after I felt full (about 6 bites in) but you know, hopefully I'll get that impulse under control too.  Hopefully.

Those PSAs were right.  Math is power.

Indefatigably yours,

Fatticus

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Fattin' in the Rain

Dear Fat,

Quelle est cette langueur qui pénètre mon coeur?  Every passing year seems to solidify my identity as a Californian.  I like the rain.  I do.  But I feel so tired . . . so bored yet unmotivated . . . so fat and lazy.

I started listening to Pandora recently to expand my musical tastes, but so far, the only songs I've really liked are the ones I already have.  This may turn out to be a slower process than I expected. 

That's not directly related to diet or exercise, I know, but I was thinking about how I don't really listen to music when I jog or when I do other things while most other people seem to be plugged into their iPods all day.  It's not that I don't enjoy music.  I actually wish that I had a piano here to practice in the evenings, and I still want to learn how to play guitar.  When I was a child, my grandmother told me how she would really like to play the guitar.  Since she never had the chance to learn, I decided to pick it up in her place.

I do have a problem where I can't really articulate why I like or dislike certain songs.  I'm starting to get comfortable defending my taste in film, but even there, I don't really have a good understanding of its technical aspects.  In both of these areas, though, I do know that I appreciate sincerity in a work, whether it is serious or humorous or whatever.  Actually, that may be why I like musicals so much: songs that have deeper meaning in context of a story.  And you know that I love stories.

In any case, I don't listen to music when I jog partly because I don't like having electronic things in my ears when they get sweaty but mainly because I find it be a semi-meditative state: being in tune with my body as my lungs burn with fire and my abs collapse in agony; as my legs grow numb and my face explodes with sweat and heat.  Yeah, it's awesome.  I love jogging.

But seriously.  The repetition of putting one foot in front of the other, inhaling through my nose for four paces, exhaling through my mouth for three, and chanting "I'm not going to die.  I'm not going to die.  I'm not going to die . . .": it's painful, but it's a good time to think.

Anyway, my FoF summary for the past week(s):
 - I jogged twice over the weekend, 30 minutes on Saturday and 20 minutes on Sunday.
 - I still do 50 crunches every night.  I think I need to up the number.
 - I am now keeping an online food diary that tells me that I overeat everyday
 - I lost 6 pounds!

Kale, however, is a little less delicious this week.  What leaf is next?

Thinking arugula,

I.M.

Monday, September 27, 2010

The Yellow Fatpaper

Dear Insanity Workout,

You are insane.

Please make me skinny,

Fatticus

Friday, September 24, 2010

I, Fatbot

Dear Fat,

I got an allergy patch test plastered to my back on Monday.  Numbered grids with medical tape all along the edges.  It looks like I am being converted into a robot.

Anyway, not being allowed to get my back wet means no sweating, which also means no jogging.  Unfortunately, I've also been a little complacent about my eating habits.  Portion control is still there, but I think my food choices have been questionable.  My weight has been declining throughout the week (yes, I know, I'm not supposed to weigh myself everyday), but I think that my muscles are atrophying from lack of exercise.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-11340881

Perhaps I should stop brooding about fat so my brain doesn't waste away, too . . .

Until next time,

I.M.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Anatomy of a Faturder

Dear Fat,

Hunger makes me feel so alive!  Nothing makes you so aware of your body as the constant grumbling that radiates through your gastrointestinal tract to upset the balance of your physical energy and sanity.  I think that I am being hit by fits of delirium.  I get sudden, unprovoked cravings for random, delicious food items--short ribs, a smoky Western burger, awesome cheeses, mashed potatoes, fried chicken--but all I can do now is chew gum.  I'm going through like a pack a day.  This can't be good.  I'm going to get gum-chewing wrinkles.  Nobody wants that.  And I'm out of kale . . .

Shouldn't the hunger have subsided by now?  I don't remember it being this bad before.  What's going on?!  I'm eating!  I swear I am!  I'm eating as much as a normal-sized person ought to eat!

My scalp is drying out.  I think I've been rinsing my hair too much.  Either that, or cutting the fat from my diet is sucking the moisture from my integumentary system.  I think my old roommate once said that her hair looked the best when she was eating junk food everyday.  Is this the sacrifice I have to make?  Skinny but with dry, poofy hair?  I can't make these decisions!

I'm getting an allergy test done next week, and I can't wash my back from Monday to Friday.  I think that means I'm going to avoid jogging from Monday to Friday, but that also means that I should jog more up until that point.  I haven't exercised since my capsizing on Sunday.  I will do so tomorrow.  But I'm hungry . . . what if I don't make it?  No!  No one will find this overweight body fallen to the wayside.  I will do it!  And it's going to be awesome!

Doubting,

I.M.

Wheel of Fatune

Dear Fat,

What the eff?  I was supposed to be really healthy last night.  I was healthy in the morning and afternoon.  A bowl of cereal with almond milk (thanks roomie for letting me drink all the almond milk) for breakfast.  A white nectarine and moderate to human portion of Chinese food (thanks mommy for letting me steal all of your food) for lunch.

My plan was to eat something with lots of vegetables.  Like a sandwich that had veggies, more veggies, lean meat and no cheese/bacon/fattening things on it.  Yum.  Subway makes a sandwich like that.  What did I eat?  A double-double from In-n-Out and ice cream when I got home.

What am I doing?  What, what, what, what, WHAT am I doing?  Even when I go to In-n-Out I never get a double-double.  What?  WHAT?!  How did I arrive at this fatty dinner of fatness?

Let's take a look:

I ate a moderate breakfast
I ate a small lunch
I resisted afternoon snacking
This made me starving by 5
I managed to stave off my hunger pains by focusing on all the rage building within me
I left the office at 6:15 to go to a Relay for Life meeting (donate to me please) with the intention of dropping off my money and running
I stayed until 7:30 in order to drop off money
I decided I would drive back to the apartment
In starvation mode I went to In-n-Out
Still starving, I decided that I was so hungry I needed to eat MORE than I would ever normally eat
I ate my burger like a fatty on my drive home
Disappointed and angry with myself for eating so terribly, I verbally berated myself until I got home
Still angry, I scooped myself a bowl of ice cream and angrily ate to appease my former anger
Angrier still, I sat unmoving until my roommate got home so I could force her to exercise with me

I've noticed that I've been very angry recently.  This anger leads to a lot of poor decisions on my part.  Which, naturally, leads to more anger.  I try to convince myself that I should eat something that is less immediately satisfying (like cold cereal instead of bacon) because it doesn't make me hate myself like I always do after eating fattening food.  Also, it doesn't make me physically ill.  Also, as oatmeal doesn't make my already fat neck any fatter, there's the long term mitigation of self hatred inherent in eating it.  All logic and reason points to eating healthfully.  However, stomach still overpowers brain in moments of weakness.  This weakness generally stems from moments of anger.

Why am I so angry?

I have zero job satisfaction.  I don't like the way my body looks.  I hate that I feel so powerless against food.

And in looking at my letter to you, Fat, I think I see another reason for my rage.  I've been so self-obsessed for so long now.  Frick.  Why is it so easy to focus on myself?  And all the negative?  The point I was trying to build was that I'm stuck in an angry wheel of fatness.  But of course I am!  I'm a freaking self-obsessed, self-pitying brat!  Yah, there's a lot of negative in the world and in the way I feel.  But there's also a whole lot of positive.  Time to focus on the good in life.  Like double rainbows (so intense)

Smile.  Because no one's gonna drag you out to get into the light where you belong.  Oh where do I belong?

In the spotlight,

Fatticus

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Fitterhood of the Traveling Pants

Dear Fit,

I bought these new jeans on Saturday, and I tried them on in the store.  They were a little tight, so I thought, "Cool, I'll just slim down a little, and then they'll fit fine." All I did was wash them in cold water yesterday and dry on low heat.  Today, they're way too loose.  Wtf happened?  Have I lost weight since Saturday?  Maybe . . . maybe not.  Was I that bloated?  More likely.

I've discovered an AWESOME workout.  All you have to do is capsize a kayak and try really unsuccessfully to get back on.  My unintentional swimming adventure yesterday has left my upper arms quite sore.  And perhaps the saltwater played a part in debloating me.

Looking forward to a delicious dinner of kale salad,

I.M.

Friday, September 10, 2010

The Fats of Wrath

Dear Fit,

I am so exercised.  Last weekend, I went kayaking for 2 hours, and then I went jogging, and then I did crunches.  I've been doing crunches every evening, and I went jogging yesterday.  I'm going to go jogging tomorrow, and I'll be kayaking again with my sister on Sunday.  Exercise!  I win!

Exercise is not enough, of course.  I have re-realized the real solution: Hunger.  I need to eat like those normal-sized people who actually care about food and exercise.  Small meals.  Save leftovers.  More leaves.  No snacking!

Look in the mirror.  What do I see?  Nothing!  I'm sitting at the wrong angle to see myself, but I know what I would see.  There is too much weight to be lost, and I will not allow the FoF 1-year anniversary to pass without a single pound shed.  We have our long-term goal, and we have our milestones.  My short-term goal is going to be 10 pounds before November 12th.

Gah, so hungry,

I.M.

Northanger ABbey

Dear Fat,

Hey, what's up?  I hope this letter finds you in as much pain as I am in.

I've set a goal of doing 50 crunches a day. 25 in the morning.  25 in the evening.  I missed my Sunday crunches and did 150 on Monday to make up for the missed 50 with an extra 50 as punishment.  My abs hurt.  A lot.

I think I need to deskercise more.  The fact that I hate my life and my body ultimately stem from how much I hate my job.  Maybe I'd hate it less if I could pretend that it was making me more fit. Or it would make me look so insane they'd let me take medical leave.  It's a win-win situation.

Crunchily,

Fatticus



Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Fat of the Tiger

Dear Fat,

Tomorrow, I will be 24.  How much progress have I made since we started this blog?  Are we talking about weight loss?  Academics?  Love life?  I think it's all the same answer: 0

Nevertheless, a new year of my life always brings me a little bit of hope.  The Tiger motto is supposed to be "I Win!' (perhaps without the exclamation point) according to a source that no longer exists yet is still cited on Wikipedia.

This is our year, my friends!  (At least for some of you)  This is the year we will find new direction!  When we figure out what we want to do with our lives!  When we learn to love ourselves for who we are!  When we can step onto a scale without cringing!  This is the year we will win!

To celebrate, I'm going to eat an orange.

Cheers,

I.M.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Infatno

Rather, Infatyes.

Dear Fat,

I'm sorry to have shirked my FoF duties, but the (main) truth is that I have been ashamed.  What have I done towards reaching my goal of skinniness?  Nothing!  I haven't jogged.  Yesterday, my dinner consisted of avocados, eggs, and cheese.  Do avocados count as a vegetable?  They're green . . .

I most certainly have not lost weight.

When the weather warmed up, it felt like a giant balloon had expanded inside of my already gargantuan head and was pressing up against the inside of my skull.  Not in a painful way.  Just under pressure (dun dun dun dun dun dun dun . . . dun dun dun dun dun dun).

Does playing softball once a week count as exercise?

What am I doing with my life?  I have no idea.

Exciting updates:
 - We're switching from Roberto's to Rudy's for our Mexican food orders for journal club
 - . . . That's it!  Something else to make me fat.

In fat?

I.M.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Pokéfat: The First Fattie

Online University
Via: Online University

Dear Fat,

I pretty much just love Pokémon.  And food.  I'm basically a Snorlax.  I stopped weighing myself because I think I currently exceed my scale's weight capacity.

I can't wait for the 13th Pokémon movie to come out.  It sounds AWESOME!  How about I start losing at least one pound a week for the next 13 weeks in celebration of this momentous occasion?  Sweet.  Bulbasaur use Razor Leaf!


Super Effectively,

Fatticus


Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Fatch-22

Dear Fat,

Today I read the story of one red paperclip and was inspired.  I currently have, on my body, 50+ pounds of fat that I am willing to trade up for a new life.  I will take any offer, travel anywhere, to trade these 50 pounds until I eventually end up with a new life.

The One Red Paperclip project was really interesting in that it challenged the idea of value.  He started with one red paperclip and ended up with a house.  Oh yah?  Each new trade was an upgrade from the last item.  First a paperclip for a pen, a pen for a knob... all the way to a house.  Can I make a similar series of trades?

I guess it's time for me to reevaluate my ideas of value.  Right now, an In-N-Out cheeseburger with animal fries would bring me intense joy.  In-N-Out = high value.  A wilted, not tasty salad with bone dry "grilled" chicken brings me pain.  Salad = low value.  This is my current value assessment system and has been for pretty much my entire life.  Clearly it has not been working out for me.

Now for a change of bases.  Value will now be measured in terms of nutrients rather than flavor.  Gross salad with weird spicy/bitter/pretty-sure-they-are-common-weeds of nastiness?  Bring. It. On.

I am uptrading.  Uptrading my laziness for a regular exercise schedule.  Uptrading my body fat for a new wardrobe.  Uptrading my self-loathing for an awesome new life where stairs will not take another breath from me!

I guess I'm a little stuck on that first trade.  I can't get out of bed to exercise in the morning because I can't fall asleep at night and am exhausted in the morning.  I can't fall asleep at night because I'm not exercising in the morning and working out at night makes me more sleepless.  Eff.

Getting the flies out of my eyes,

Fatticus

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Fateefer Madness

Dear Fat,

Hello, my name is I.M., and I have a problem.  (Where are the donuts?)

First, a question: Why do people smoke?  Maybe it was those 5 million D.A.R.E. lessons we had as kids, but I always thought that the only logical answer was no.  Then, you meet people who only smoke "socially," people who otherwise eat super-healthy foods and exercise regularly.  And then, you meet people who chew nicotine gum just for the hell of it.  It's bad, but . . . how much worse is it than the occasional drunken blackout?  And do any of these things inflict more bodily damage than my irreverent eating habits?  You can argue about lesser evils, but argument won't lead to eradication.

Now, the real question: Why do I eat?  Enough about that gaping hole in my self-esteem from childhood.  I've outgrown that.  It seems like I eat because I don't know how not to eat.

Out of curiosity, I was looking at the website for Food Addicts, and one of the questions they ask is this: "Are you waiting for your life to begin 'when you lose the weight?'"  I would like to think that I'm better than that, but it wouldn't be true.  Sometimes I believe that all of the problems in my life will go away once I'm skinny: my lack of a boyfriend, my inability to learn any sports, my acanthosis nigricans.  Time, however, will probably prove that it was never my weight that was holding me back.

Well, at least not more than a little bit.

Powerless over food?

I.M.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Fatsuasion

Dear Fat,

I lost half a pound last week!  Woo!  That's... disappointing.  But at least I'm headed in the right direction again.  Ugh.  I wish losing weight was easier... but it's just so hard!  I try to motivate myself to exercise, but for the most part I'm just entirely too lazy.

My sister is getting married in four and a half weeks.  I was thoroughly convinced that I would be at least 25 pounds lighter by the time of her wedding when she first got engaged.  In September 2008.  How the eff have I managed to hover around the same weight for TWO YEARS?!  I'm really bad at this.

My birthday is in a week.  Your gift can be getting out of my life forever.  Thanks.

Persuasively,

Fatticus

P.s. On a happy note, maybe I will have that Jersey Shore themed party after all...






Sunday, July 04, 2010

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Fat

Dear Fat,

Remember my last entry where I said I would go jogging everyday this week if I didn't reach 3 pounds below my starting weight?  Well, I didn't lose any weight.  And I didn't go jogging.

Chopping off 8 inches of hair didn't shave off even a fraction of a pound.  Does that mean I gained that fraction?  Perhaps the fine neck musculature that used to whip those long, wavy locks around has also converted into excess pudge.

Yesterday, I ate 4 dinners.  No joke.

Today, a day of 2 barbeques, wasn't as terrible as it could have been, but I did consume 2 hamburgers, 1 black bean burger, 2 hot dogs, 3 servings of potato salad, 3 servings of beans, corn on the cob, donut holes, cake, broccoli salad with bacon, and . . . the rest is just a blur.

You'd think that today would be an excellent day to declare my independence from fat, but who are we kidding?  I'm still a little hungry.  Where's that spicy beef . . .

In some degree of seriousness, though, I've been learning through various conversations and facebook stalking that certain people I used to know have now ballooned up to what seems like 10 times their previous volume, and it is quite frightening.  In a way, I've been lucky not to have experienced an exponential increase in weight these past few years, but the danger is there.  I'm not getting any younger, and my metabolism isn't getting any better.  If I want to be skinny, it really has to start now.

So here's to tomorrow, our next day of fitness: tennis, hiking, and softball.  And a salad for lunch.  Just a salad.
Well, maybe a soup, too.
What about a sandwich if I don't get bacon on it?

Aspiring to lean calf muscles and not these bulky cows that I lug around,

I.M.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Old Fat and the Sea

Dear Fat,

5 weeks.  It has been 5 weeks since I've lost any weight.  35 days without any progress.  Not an ounce lighter... in fact, I've been gaining weight.  I don't update the weight tracker out of deep shame.  This is pathetic.  What happened to my epiphany?  I started exercising more... I guess I haven't eaten any less.  What happened to me?  What happened to my resolve?  More importantly, what happened to my tan?

I used to be a beautiful golden-brown caramel color... and now?  I spend my days in a box and toil in a sedentary daze... baaah!!  This is ridiculous.  It's time to hit the beach.  I just hope no one tries to push me into the water under the misconception that I am a beached whale.

Locked in an epic battle of wills,

Fatticus

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Hey Fittle Fittle

Hey fittle fittle,
The fat and the spittle,
The cow jumped into my stomach,
The little dog laughed to see such a monstrous number of calories enter a single person,
And the dish ran away out of luck.

Dear Fat and Fit,

I went jogging today.  Woo woo!  And, actually, I have been eating a LOT more salad.  However, from my continuing lack of weight loss, I suspect that I am not cutting back on calories as much as I had hoped.  The dairy products and the avocados are doing me in.

This week, I have a plan.  This week, if I don't reach at least 3 pounds below my starting weight (3 pounds is about how much excess food I think my abdomen holds at one time), I will make up for it by jogging EVERY DAY next week.  So let's hope that I make it.

Still a little sweaty,

I.M.

Friday, June 11, 2010

I Know Why the Fat Bird Sings

She's HUNGRY!

Dear Fat,

This week started off pretty well.  Tons of vegetables, fruit, almond milk, good stuff.  I was cutting back on calories but not starving myself.  It was good.

Today, I ate churros, funnel cake fries, meaty pizza, and just some really terrible things.  Deliciously terrible.

I'm a little sore from softball yesterday.  That counts as exercise, correct?  The soreness is from physical exertion and not from having been beaten by an actual softball (à la Fuzzy).

After reading this article, I'm considering rubbing my back and waddling every time I board a bus:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/8730106.stm

Chewing gum,

I.M.

The Last Fatcoon

Dear Fat,

I finally figured it out!  "What have you figured out?" you may wonder.  Well, I will tell you.  I have figured out how to defeat you.  It's so simple!  I can be rid of you forever in just two easy steps.  Get ready to quake with fear at this epiphany:

1) Eat less
2) Exercise more

Mua ha ha ha ha ha!!  Are you trembling?  Do you admit defeat?!  Are you shaken to the very depths of your jiggly core?!

That's what I thought.

Now, for follow-through!  I'm so empowered that I will start exactly right... after next Monday night.  I'm going out to dinner at a restaurant named Animal.  I think they serve something called "Praise the Lard".  I'm going to be fat forever.

Enlightened but not any lighter,

Fatticus

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

The Afatment

Dear Fat,

I went running again this morning.  I know, I know.  I said I'd never run again.  I promised I'd never do anything like that to you again.  Now here I am, stretching out from this morning's run.  I think I make promises to you just to break them.  I mean, like all of those times I promised that this was the last breakfast at McDonald's (it's freaking delicious and so conveniently close to work), or when I said that I was divorcing myself from you forever.  Yah, I totally kept those promises--not!

I guess I can just make more promises to you that I have no intention of keeping.
-I will never leave you
-I will never complain about you
-I will never be dissatisfied with the way you look
-I will never wish you away from me
-I will always love you, just the way you are.

It's times like this that I think my attentions would be better focused on a person, rather than on my gross fat blobs.  Oops!  Looks like I've already broken a promise to you.

Honestly and completely unfacetiously,

Fatticus

p.s. I also promise I will not try to transform every aspect of my life into a musical.  Rats.  I lied again.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Fat and Fatterer

Dear Fit,

You suck. We died.



Dear Fat,

You win. We're coming back to you now.


Dear Couch-to-5K,

PWN'D.


Fatfitfully,

I.M., Fatticus

Friday, May 28, 2010

The Fatter

Dear Fat,

I died today.

I realized that I need to cut my nails before running--and that I need to stop clenching my fists.  It does not make the running any easier.  Today was the first 30 minute non-stop run.  Yay?

Either I'm a really terrible judge of distance, or I am really really slow, because 30 minutes passed with me still very far from home.  Even with the speed boost given by the Pokemon theme song, I still hadn't reached the final hill home.  So I ran that too.  Yes.  You read that correctly.  I kept running.  I ran for 34 minutes almost nonstop.  I say almost because I slowed down three times: 1. To scare a crow away from someone's trash can that was throwing it all over the street.  Gross bird.  2. To push someone's sprinkler head back down so it wouldn't leak water for the rest of the day.  Go Earth!  3. To open the gate so I could get out of the neighborhood and back to my house.  Not only did I stop for personal freedom, but to help others.  I still count it as 34 uninterrupted minutes of running.  And death.  Lots of death.

I saw a cute baby bunny.  It ran from me.

Existentially,

Fatticus

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Fativer Twist

Dear Fat,

Week 8 of the nine-week (ha!) Couch-to-5K running plan has been completed!!  Great.  One more week and then I'm free!  Free from the burden of running!

Oh wait, that's not how it actually works, right?

Perf.  More suffering.  After this program is over, there's not even a countdown; it's just a long, slow (and I mean slow), unending journey to fitness until the day I finally die.  Which, if this morning is any indication, will probably happen mid-"run".  My lungs!!

In other fitness related happenings, I finally tried out my Pussycat Dolls workout video (be jealous) and it was awesome.  And terrifying.  Awesomely terrifying?  Terrifyingly awesome.  A few facts I learned from it:

1. I am not sexy
2. I cannot gyrate in a sexy fashion
3. My hips crack A LOT
4. Watching scantily clad gyrating women makes me incredibly uncomfortable
5. Slapping one's bum should never be a theme in any type of choreography

I gained 3.5 pounds after Hawaii, but I've lost 1.5 of that again, and have brought total weight loss to 8.5 lbs.  Can I make it to 10 lbs this week?

Probably not.

Please sir, may I have some more?

Fatticus


Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Fatiad

Dear Fat,

I realized that I didn't provide a sufficient account of my fatty exploits over the past few weeks in yesterday's entry.  Today, I am providing the prequel.

Part 1 - Cheese is delicious:
Three weeks ago, while I was home, Fatticus and I went on a hike.  For lunch, we acted against our cravings for delicious Mexican or Indian food and went to Whole Foods to pick up ingredients for a healthy sandwich+salad lunch.  Alas, our attempts to eat in moderation failed.  We bought 4 types of cheese, French bread, crostinis, curry chicken salad, greek orzo salad, salad salad, olive tapenade, more olives, and grape tomatoes.  Our total bill came to something over $60.  What is the lesson here?  Humboldt Fog cheese is delicious.  Thank you, other tall Asian person.

Part 2 - Chinese people subconsciously want you to be fat:
Two weeks ago, my great uncle and great aunt came to visit.  What happens when Chinese relatives come to visit?  A lot of food happens, really unhealthy food.  We'll sit down to dinner, and out of 6 dishes, only one will not be dominated by meat.  And there is no such thing as eating raw vegetables.  Vegetables must be fried or pickled.  Lesson?  Spicy food is AWESOME!  If it doesn't burn, it's not food.

Part 3 - Jogging sucks:
Last week, I "ran" the Coronado Bridge Run (~4 miles).  By "ran," I mean that by the time we actually reached the bridge, I was already red-faced and breathing like a dying horse.  As we started the ascent, as children and the elderly were passing me, I gave up and walked.  I tried jogging on and off, but really.  Jogging sucks.

Part 4 - My body wants me to think that eating fat is good for me:
Yesterday, I ate 2 pounds and 12 ounces of meat, right?  Salty, greasy, fatty meat.  Today, I weigh less, and my skin looks better.  Curse you, Universe.

Less gross,

I.M.

Friday, May 21, 2010

The Fatyssey

Dear Fat,

I had a challenge today to eat 3 pounds of meat, and I came out 4 ounces short.  Brazilian barbeque.  Chicken, beef, pork, fish.  Salt, grease.  It didn't really feel bad towards the end until I started to put more food in my mouth.  And then it felt gross.

I really thought it was going to be okay since I'd done Fenton's challenge back in college (3 pounds of ice cream in 20 minutes), but then again . . . a lot of that melted.  Maybe I was 4 ounces short back then too.

I'm a little disappointed that I didn't make it . . . but only a very little. 

Do you ever get that feeling where you swear that fat is just oooooooozing out of your skin?

Gross,

I.M.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Hawaii Fat-0

Dear Fat,

Back from vacation again.  I can't seem to vacation from you though.

While on a local bus to the Dole Plantation, an old lady asked me if I wanted a tract.  Trying to be nice, I accepted it and smiled.  She told me to get to know God and to cut back on the calories.  She repeated that last part.  Three times.  Yah.  That happened.  I almost told her that "Man judges man by outward appearances, but God judges by their hearts" but somehow felt that schooling her with Bible verses might be a little rude.  She was old after all.  If there is one thing I've learned at work, it's that old people don't hold anything back.  Even when they should.

We went hiking at Diamond Head Crater.  Note: this is not a place for flip flops, dresses or designer handbags.  The combination is terrifying.  Also, don't go at noon.  And don't walk the 3 miles from your hotel to the base of the crater and then up to the top.  And bring water.  These are all things to keep in mind while hiking up Mount Doom.

Aloha,

Fatticus

Oh, p.s. organic sunscreen is crap.  Slather yourself in chemicals or else you will surely burn.

Saturday, May 01, 2010

The Picture of Fatian Gray

Dear Fat,

If there was a portrait of me sitting in an attic somewhere, it'd probably be covered with pockmarks, boils, and those weird growths with little white hairs coming out of them.  Putting money in the jar hasn't really made me a prettier person inside or out (but damn, those hungry kids are going to well-fed by the end of this), so we're going to tack on another approach . . . I'll actually have to be less mean.

A friend once said to me that she's the most critical of people she finds most similar to herself.  For me, I have a more specific diagnosis.  I'm most critical of traits that I, myself, am afraid of possessing, and these traits are generally some distortion of ones that I have or used to have.

And so . . . let's do it!  Beauty on the inside and outside.  That's the goal.

Love,

I.M.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Funny Fat

Why haven't you commented yet?  Don't you know how important this is?  GET THAT GIRL ON GLEE!!!

MONOLOGUE

SONG

STARS


Dear Fat,

In other news, I went kayaking for about 2 hours on Saturday, and I tried to jog today.  I had that chicken bacon burger from lunch, french fries, and 3 cupcakes weighing me down, however.  I know.  We'll talk about it later.

Sorry,

I.M.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Don't Fat on My Parade

Give me gold stars, thumbs ups, positive comments and favorites

Gold Stars and Favs

Comment on my monologue

Comment on my song

You and I both know that I'm awesome.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Tender Is the Fat

And delicious, it is.

Dear Fat,

Let's do a comparison of what is delicious to what is extra delicious:

White meat versus dark meat?  Dark meat, of course.
Muffin versus cupcake?  Cupcake.
Angel food cake versus devil's food cake?  Dark again.
Celery versus ice cream?

Fat, you make things so tasty, and you make me so heavy.  As we speak, I'm making a chicken mushroom casserole, and did I choose to substitute the boneless, skinless chicken thighs with white meat?  Of course not.  And what am I eating afterwards?  Probably some ice cream.

Hungry,

I.M.

Monday, April 19, 2010

The Basic Coughka

Dear Bronchitis,

Hey, thanks a lot for stopping by!  I've really enjoyed your visit for the past two weeks; it's been a trip.  I'm not sure how to say this, but could you please leave?  You've more than overstayed your welcome and I really have to get back to work.  You're a very needy guest you know, and I can't take off any more time to entertain you.  So, while it's been fun--the fun is over.  It's time for you to go.

Can I get a neti pot for my lungs?

Fatticus

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Fatterhouse Five

Listen:

I am stuck in fat.

Yes, I know, I just did Vonnegut for my last entry, but forgive me.  My creativity is a little drained.

I ate a little too much for dinner, but I decided that today warranted a little extra indulgence.  It wasn't terrible, but we shall see.

Anyway, a jogging-free week and a half led to . . . weight loss!  Go figure.  I started up again on Wednesday, and we're going to try to finish up our Couch-to-5K (finally) by next weekend, as long as Fatticus recovers from her second illness of the season.

Looking back at my failed attempts, I have to say that I am glad that I at least have not given up.  I'm still convinced that I'm going to lose 50 pounds . . . eventually, someday, maybe, but hopefully soon.

So,

I.M.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Fatcher in the Rye

Dear Fat,

You know, there are some people who will never let you forget that you're fat and they're skinny.  They just won't let you forget it.  You're fat; they're skinny.

Slowly (very slowly) I'm headed towards losing weight.  Sometimes I feel like all I can do is mope about how fat I am.  Other times I feel so empowered to get up and do something--some creative impetus is pushing me onward.  I usually lie down until that feeling passes.

I've signed up for the self.com challenge.  Lose 2 lbs a week!  Maybe.  The articles about food are very enjoyable: "Eating strawberries may or may not cure obesity!  A study that might have been done suggested that sometimes things happen--maybe--that strawberries might be responsible for sometimes.  Maybe."  At least they're being honest; noncommittal--but honest.

I wish I could be as ambiguous with honesty.

Maybe.

Cryptically Yours,

Fatticus


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Fat's Cradle

is my stomach.

Dear Fat,

You might remember this.  Back in September, I was really good about portion control.  I mean, I was so good that I impressed myself, so I've been wondering whyyyyy is it so hard to get back to that state?  Where did I begin to fail?  Well, let's see, for the 2 weeks before we started what was supposed to be our weight-loss extravaganza, I tried to gain as much weight as possible to increase my starting weight (and thus make the 50-pounds-lighter weight be a higher and supposedly more attainable goal).  The first 10 pounds would be easy then.  No problem.

Here we are, 5 months in, and no progress.  Nix that.  Negative progress.  So, hey kids, don't cheat.

Portion control.  I just have to go like four days, and then I won't even notice it anymore.

Thus far, I've failed three days in a row.  What were those excuses, again?

Having my ass whooped by fat,

I.M.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Fat Magic Woman

Dear Fat,

I'm back! Did you get that postcard from New York I sent you? The trip was a blast! Oh my goodness, SO MUCH EATING. But you know all about that, don't you?

I'm not sure how I managed it, but I was able to lose another 1/2 pound this week. While this is exciting, I'm a little sad that 19 weeks in, I've only lost 7.5 pounds. I guess I'll just have to work harder.

I'm trying to eat less at night, since I'm mostly just sleeping in the evenings and therefore don't need to consume calories for that. The other night I went to sleep starving after eating three segments of pomelo, two girl scout cookies and a slice of sandwich meat for dinner. Now I can't find my phone. I hope I didn't eat it in my sleep.

Can you just disapparate already?

Preparing for my O.W.L.s,
Fatticus


The best part of everything in my room being pink, is that it's all pink!



The worst part of everything in my room being pink, is that it's all pink...

Saturday, March 20, 2010

A Fail of Two Fatties

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times...

Dear Fat,

You win again.

Despite our efforts to catch up, fitness continues to elude us. (Because we're slow...) We've fallen off the track a bit but remain hopeful that we will succeed. Unfortunately, today was not a success story.

Excuses are easy to come by--Mexican food, improper footwear, the distance between two points--so here are a few more:

-Life hates us
-We'll be alone forever
-Cookies are delicious
-Running is hard
-It burns us

Tomorrow is a new day. A new day that will begin with running. Hopefully.

Sincerely,
I.M., Fatticus


Friday, March 12, 2010

Les Misérfatles

Dear Fat,

I was eating ice cream so quickly today that I inhaled some and started choking.  This was karmic retribution for which of the following?

A) Not having exercised since last Tuesday
B) Eating more this past week than necessary for 3-30 human beings
C) Not updating this blog
D) Being a terrible person on the inside
E) All of the above

If you learned anything about multiple-choice questions in your K-12 education, you know that the answer is most likely E.  You are correct.

Actually, my karmic retribution this past week was probably my own MIOUOBMD, minus the BMD (see As I Lay Fattening).  Seriously, there was no nasal congestion.  My throat wasn't swollen.  My sinuses were clear, my head felt fine, my mucus was clear.  But the mucus was there, especially in the mornings with the overnight buildup.  My chain-smoker voice subsided only yesterday.  The coughing is still there.

I hope to make a full recovery by Sunday to take up jogging again.

Making my comeback,

I.M.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Fat Expectations

Dear Fat,

I gained 1/2 pound last week. I'm not surprised that after a week of nothing but soup, upon eating solid foods again that I put some weight back on. I was surprised that it was so little. Yay? I worry that tomorrow at weigh-in my weight will increase even more. It's so frustrating!

Before last week, I had gone 6 weeks without gaining weight: it was incredible. It felt like I was finally making progress; that this time I would actually succeed. But then I got sick, and it was cold, and it was raining, and I couldn't stop coughing and blah blah blah blah excuses. If making up excuses was an Olympic event I would take home the gold, silver and bronze for all countries forever. Except Canada.

I ran today. It felt great. Actually, that's a lie; it felt awful, but then it felt great. But definitely kind of awful. Fat, I feel like you're the great deceiver. You manage to rationalize the illogical with the irrational and I listen and am convinced! Case in point: when I feel tired, angry, and gross, exercising always makes me feel better. Always. However, when I'm tired, angry, and gross, exercising is the last thing I want to do and my tiredness, anger and grossness is an excuse not to exercise!! WHAT?! I buy that? I consider it every time? It's madness!

Well not today my friend. I ran through it. I ran through it all. I'm disappointed that I didn't believe in myself and truncated my route; I arrived at my house with 3 minutes left and had to make a crazy weirdo loop thing. Annoying.

I'm through with your madness because this









IS








SPARTA

Fatticus

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Fitigo

Dear Fit,

I'm back on schedule for the Couch-to-5K.  My attempts to jog with better runners than I threw me off last week, but on Monday, back at my old jogging pace, I managed to go 26.5 minutes without stopping.  Although I think I could walk at a faster pace, I could tell from the anger of my lungs and the higher volume of sweat that it was jogging.  Went with the lab running club again yesterday . . . a little quicker . . . yeah, I had to stop a few times.  I'm experimenting with different breathing techniques, but my conclusion is that my lungs are telling me that I'm fat.  I'll add a quarter to the jar for that . . . I made it another 25 minutes today, though.

Indian food is delicious.  So are Girl Scout cookies.  As are Cadbury mini-eggs.

In case you were wondering whether these are tears or beads of sweat, I don't know either.  They must be both.  And the "2" on the timer is in seconds, not minutes.
Quite fat,

I.M.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Fat in the Time of Cholera

Dear Fat,

I think I have swine flu.

Or maybe I'm just fat and have the flu. No matter.

I'm making more headway in my fight against you. Congratulations me. Unfortunately I haven't done as well against the illness taking up residence in my tonsils. It's very uncomfortable and now they appear as bloated as the rest of my body. Curses.

I wanted to jog. I was really looking forward to it. Sick, right? But I can't. Because each breath I draw in feels like swallowing sandpaper and my whole body aches from lethargy and illness.

wow... okay, nighttime medicine is kicking in. I'm going to go lie down before I collapse.

Hoping to get through the next work day,

Fatticus

P.s. I wish I was less petty

Eat Drink Fat Woman

Dear Fit,

I jogged 25 minutes without stopping on Sunday.

Dear Fat,

1) Mardi gras!  Happy Fat Tuesday!

2) I gained weight!  What happened?!?

I'm fairly certain that I'm retaining water this week, but for my net total after 14 weeks to be a gain of 5 pounds?  Really, Fates, we need to have a little chat about this cruel destiny of fatness you have mapped out for me because I frankly refuse to allow this upward slope to continue.

Actually, I tried to run with people from lab today.  That was quite embarrassing.  I apparently have not been jogging anywhere near a normal person's speed.  I also ate 2.5 special European-style Mardi Gras donuts.  My figure suffers from sitting next to a post-doc who makes delicious baked goods.  Oh, and I also kind of ate two dinners today . . . they were small, though!  Two small dinners!  I really think that the donuts did me in for the day.  I'm going to blame them for my jogging fiasco.  Mainly because I don't want to draw the rest of what I ate today.  It took me a while to figure how to make my hair look less terrible.  Didn't really succeed . . .

SO fat,

I.M.

Friday, February 05, 2010

The Importance of Being Fittest

Dear Fit,

So that my entries are not ignored for lack of color, this is an illustration of where I jog:


Yes, on the beach at sunset.  Be jealous.

 I haven't gotten to the 20 minutes of non-stop jogging yet, but that'll get done this weekend . . . when the rain stops for long enough.  This Couch-to-5K plan is . . . well, it's about as difficult as I had anticipated: kind of hard, but not unachievable.  When I started exercising three times a week, though, I had expected to feel a bit different.  Sure, my calves are more toned and I think I have more muscle (the added mass of which is working against my weight loss goal).  Sure, I don't need to sleep as long at night because my quality of sleep has improved a bit.  It's probably helped me to feel a little less sluggish during the day, too.  On second thought, this is probably as much as I had expected.  Never mind.  We'll just have to wait for my blood pressure to drop down to a normal level without medication, then.

Food is still my downfall.  I don't have a very good perception of what counts as a normal-sized meal.  At the very least, I have stopped eating to the point where I feel really full (as I did for most of my childhood), but I suspect that I'm supposed to stop a lot sooner.  Eating more leaves apparently is not enough when it's piled on top of what I eat normally.

Working on it,

I.M.

Rain Fat

Dear Fat,

I did it! Week 5 of The Couch to 5K training program is complete! I ran for 20 minutes without stopping. Actually, it was 21 minutes because I forgot to update my Week 5 playlist... anyhoo... I did it. Hooray! At the beginning of this week, looking towards Friday I felt like this:



The terror was unimaginable. But now that I've done it, I feel more like this:


those clouds look alarmingly similar to my hair...

But actually... it was raining. So I really looked like this :



I don't know how, but I managed to power through it. The rain, the run, the tears... I emerged victorious! I can't quite be sure they were tears though. The rain may have just collected on my generous cheeks and ran down my face as I ran. It was very dramatic.

Speaking of tears, last night I was going through a box of things I have yet to unpack from college. I found some math homework. Seeing it now, those numbers mean nothing to me; I'm not sure they ever did. Double pitchforked bifurcation? I know it's some kind of graph... also called a saddle problem... hyperbolas? yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... that's about all I've got. I used to derive my self-worth from my grades and my intelligence--especially when it came to math. Even then I knew it wasn't enough; looking back on it now, it seems so silly to have defined myself by such limited bounds. I'm giving myself a greater range and including all values: real and imaginary.

Integrating vegetables and factoring out the rest,

Fatticus

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Fattest Gump

Dear Fat,

You are far more resilient than I had hoped.  To distract from my ineffective attempts at weight loss, I'm going to talk about running again.

The cover of the current issue of Nature actually features a study on barefoot running.  It's not so much that running barefoot itself is going to make an amazing difference, but that people who run in shoes are used to striking their heels first whereas it's probably better to land at the front or middle of your foot instead to reduce impact, even on hard surfaces.  One study, of course, is not conclusive, but it makes me feel better about using Nike Free and my even less supportive beach shoes although I'm not sure I can tell if I've changed the way that I land.  My arches do feel more strengthened.

I've been a lot hungrier lately.  Is it the jogging?  Is it the knowledge that I ought to be eating less that makes my body retaliate?

I should start reading other news sources:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8483456.stm

But maybe this means that I don't have to get to the normal weight range for my height on the BMI chart.

Picking fuzz off of my black shirt,

I.M.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Fatigone

Dear Fat,

Tomorrow completes Week Four of the nine-week training program I've undertaken in my efforts to destroy you. I only hope that my mild enthusiasm for running holds through the next five weeks.

I'm scared.

I've been eating more vegetables; yay! One of my coworkers has joined my efforts in the consumption of leafs. Yes. Leafs.

I feel I am at a crossroads of sorts. On the one hand, I can't wait to be free of you Fat, and all that you stand for. Namely, heart disease, diabetes and overall hideousness. On the other, I worry that by losing you, I'll also lose a part of myself. And not just the obvious: circumference, width, etc--but the scapegoat. Always before I've been able to shift the blame to you. "Oh, he wasn't interested in me because I'm fat." "I'm too fat to be pretty." "I'm too fat to dare to dream."

What happens when you're no longer there to take the blame for all my insufficiencies? Who's to blame when I'm not fat, and he still doesn't like me? What happens when I'm thin and my dreams still don't come true?

You provide a layer of protection from the world and its chilliness. How will I keep warm on these cold winter nights?

I have to make a choice. I need to have the courage of my conviction to do what's right.

IT IS TIME

Fatticus

Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Fatventures of Huckleberry Fit

Dear Fat,

What do I say about this week? I didn't gain any weight, but I also didn't lose any. That used to be enough for me. I wanted to maintain the status quo. Well, the status quo sucks. Since this crazy adventure began I've lost five pounds! Hooray! But shouldn't I be losing more?

This morning I completed week 3 of the 9 week couch to 5K training program. Woot! One third of the way there! I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually kind of sort of almost maybe enjoy running. This week I've been running up a hill that I used to get tired walking up. Granted, by the time I reach the top it feels like there are tiny people setting fire to the insides of my calves; I know that they are the flames of victory burning through my veins!

Ha. I wish.

In my efforts against you I've restricted myself to not eating anything from an establishment with a drive-thru. However, I found a giant massive loop-hole for that one. Today, I ate a bucket of fried deliciousness. MLIF No literally; the food came in a bucket.

Wafting down the river of leftover fry grease,
Fatticus

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Their Eyes Were Watching Fat

Dear Fat,

I've decided to postpone my running to the weekend because of the inclement weather we have been experiencing here in Southern California.  I know, I know, I'm supposed to space it out evenly, but I think I'll survive.  I just don't want to run on a treadmill.

It's strange, but I think I actually enjoy having these storms.  Of course, I had to get used to driving in torrential rain that comes at me horizontally, and I still have a slight fear of trees falling on me.  But . . . it's nice.  I could do with a little less wind, but I find the sound of really loud rain beating against the windows to be rather soothing.  And, fortunately, my Minnesotan childhood removed any fear of tornadoes.  It's kind of like what Californians feel about earthquakes.

Anyway, new food-related resolution (because I haven't been incorporating more leaves into my diet as effectively as I should be): for 5 days out of the week, at least 1 meal must incorporate a significant amount of salad . . . with minimal dressing.

There's a strange smell wafting from the lab next to me.  I don't know if I should be concerned.

Still fat (but dry),

I.M.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Charifits of Fire

Dear Fit,

Where are you?  I went jogging three times last week, and I went again today.  Now that I think about it, I remember that my doctor warned me that I would probably gain weight after I started to exercise.  People tend to eat more to compensate.  Couldn't I have just been born skinny?  Or at least without my voracious appetite.  I guess I wouldn't have been able to as thoroughly refine my amazing wit, though.  I was doing really well with not keeping snacks nearby, but there's a jar of chocolate sitting next to me on our coffee table, and I've had like a dozen . . . but we're going to ignore those indiscretions.

As a supplement to my fit achievements this past week, I purchased a new pair of running shoes, Nike Free, online.  During my research for running shoes, I came across the "barefoot running" phenomenon that is apparently infecting the running world.  Although I couldn't find anything conclusive and reputable that validates the benefits of running without shoes, I came to the realization that the extra cushioning of typical running shoes hasn't proven to be beneficial either.  My temporary opinion, then, is that you either have to have your shoes perfectly fitted, or you need some unrestricted, minimalist approach.  My curiosity with regard to the latter led to the Nike Free purchase.  This position is apt to change once I start to use the shoes, but at least I'll know the truth . . . or as much of the truth as is relevant to my own life.

We are now in Week 2 of our Couch to 5K running plan.  7 more weeks until I can run 30 minutes without stopping.  Skinny is going to be awesome!

Still hungry,

I.M.

Friday, January 08, 2010

The Fat of War

Dear Fat,

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Rest assured; it’s with good reason. You see, I had been reviewing past letters to you, and I realized that I’m all talk and no action. I say that I’m going to divorce myself from you forever and that this time it will be different; but my fluctuating weight tells a very different story.

How pathetic.

I declared my independence from you and here I am: ever ready to stick by you. But no more. I am braced for battle and won’t be intimidated anymore.

Last week, with the encouragement of a friend, I ran just over 2 miles. When we started I told her that I would be ecstatic if I could run 1 mile total. The momentum of running downhill carried me through the first kilometer. A goal of 1.5K didn't seem that ridiculous. It was half the distance we had just run. 500 meters. Don't people sprint that in races? I can definitely keep going and run 1.5K. Did you know that 1.6K is a mile? I didn't either until we ran it. The second mile had a similar story. The last quarter mile was an exercise of will power over pain. For the most part pain won.

But I guess what this has taught me about myself is that I'm not a total failure and can push myself to achieve things I never before thought possible. Also, in the event of the zombie apocalypse, if they give up after 2 miles, I'll survive.

"So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you can win a hundred battles without a single loss.
If you only know yourself, but not your opponent, you may win or may lose.
If you know neither yourself nor your enemy, you will always endanger yourself."

Fat, I know you and every day I learn more about me.

To our hundred battles ahead,

Fatticus

Sunday, January 03, 2010

The Fatshank Redemption

Dear Fit,

The handful of pounds that I lost last week came back in full force again this week, but I will not despair.  This still counts as a fit week because of the 5K Fatticus and I "ran" with our fit and skinny marathon-running friend on Thursday (to whom, by the way, you should donate money).  My calves feel abnormally solid now.  It still hurts to move my legs in certain directions, but I will not elaborate on which.

However, I will not pretend that this was an entirely healthful week either because I ate about 10 times more ice cream than I had intended to eat over the past few days.  My parents should know better than to leave Häagen-Dazs in our freezer.

Now that the holidays are over, there are no more excuses.  My pre-New Year's resolution will carry into this year.  50 pounds!

Eating more leaves,

I.M.