Thursday, January 28, 2010

Fatigone

Dear Fat,

Tomorrow completes Week Four of the nine-week training program I've undertaken in my efforts to destroy you. I only hope that my mild enthusiasm for running holds through the next five weeks.

I'm scared.

I've been eating more vegetables; yay! One of my coworkers has joined my efforts in the consumption of leafs. Yes. Leafs.

I feel I am at a crossroads of sorts. On the one hand, I can't wait to be free of you Fat, and all that you stand for. Namely, heart disease, diabetes and overall hideousness. On the other, I worry that by losing you, I'll also lose a part of myself. And not just the obvious: circumference, width, etc--but the scapegoat. Always before I've been able to shift the blame to you. "Oh, he wasn't interested in me because I'm fat." "I'm too fat to be pretty." "I'm too fat to dare to dream."

What happens when you're no longer there to take the blame for all my insufficiencies? Who's to blame when I'm not fat, and he still doesn't like me? What happens when I'm thin and my dreams still don't come true?

You provide a layer of protection from the world and its chilliness. How will I keep warm on these cold winter nights?

I have to make a choice. I need to have the courage of my conviction to do what's right.

IT IS TIME

Fatticus

Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Fatventures of Huckleberry Fit

Dear Fat,

What do I say about this week? I didn't gain any weight, but I also didn't lose any. That used to be enough for me. I wanted to maintain the status quo. Well, the status quo sucks. Since this crazy adventure began I've lost five pounds! Hooray! But shouldn't I be losing more?

This morning I completed week 3 of the 9 week couch to 5K training program. Woot! One third of the way there! I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually kind of sort of almost maybe enjoy running. This week I've been running up a hill that I used to get tired walking up. Granted, by the time I reach the top it feels like there are tiny people setting fire to the insides of my calves; I know that they are the flames of victory burning through my veins!

Ha. I wish.

In my efforts against you I've restricted myself to not eating anything from an establishment with a drive-thru. However, I found a giant massive loop-hole for that one. Today, I ate a bucket of fried deliciousness. MLIF No literally; the food came in a bucket.

Wafting down the river of leftover fry grease,
Fatticus

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Their Eyes Were Watching Fat

Dear Fat,

I've decided to postpone my running to the weekend because of the inclement weather we have been experiencing here in Southern California.  I know, I know, I'm supposed to space it out evenly, but I think I'll survive.  I just don't want to run on a treadmill.

It's strange, but I think I actually enjoy having these storms.  Of course, I had to get used to driving in torrential rain that comes at me horizontally, and I still have a slight fear of trees falling on me.  But . . . it's nice.  I could do with a little less wind, but I find the sound of really loud rain beating against the windows to be rather soothing.  And, fortunately, my Minnesotan childhood removed any fear of tornadoes.  It's kind of like what Californians feel about earthquakes.

Anyway, new food-related resolution (because I haven't been incorporating more leaves into my diet as effectively as I should be): for 5 days out of the week, at least 1 meal must incorporate a significant amount of salad . . . with minimal dressing.

There's a strange smell wafting from the lab next to me.  I don't know if I should be concerned.

Still fat (but dry),

I.M.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Charifits of Fire

Dear Fit,

Where are you?  I went jogging three times last week, and I went again today.  Now that I think about it, I remember that my doctor warned me that I would probably gain weight after I started to exercise.  People tend to eat more to compensate.  Couldn't I have just been born skinny?  Or at least without my voracious appetite.  I guess I wouldn't have been able to as thoroughly refine my amazing wit, though.  I was doing really well with not keeping snacks nearby, but there's a jar of chocolate sitting next to me on our coffee table, and I've had like a dozen . . . but we're going to ignore those indiscretions.

As a supplement to my fit achievements this past week, I purchased a new pair of running shoes, Nike Free, online.  During my research for running shoes, I came across the "barefoot running" phenomenon that is apparently infecting the running world.  Although I couldn't find anything conclusive and reputable that validates the benefits of running without shoes, I came to the realization that the extra cushioning of typical running shoes hasn't proven to be beneficial either.  My temporary opinion, then, is that you either have to have your shoes perfectly fitted, or you need some unrestricted, minimalist approach.  My curiosity with regard to the latter led to the Nike Free purchase.  This position is apt to change once I start to use the shoes, but at least I'll know the truth . . . or as much of the truth as is relevant to my own life.

We are now in Week 2 of our Couch to 5K running plan.  7 more weeks until I can run 30 minutes without stopping.  Skinny is going to be awesome!

Still hungry,

I.M.

Friday, January 08, 2010

The Fat of War

Dear Fat,

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Rest assured; it’s with good reason. You see, I had been reviewing past letters to you, and I realized that I’m all talk and no action. I say that I’m going to divorce myself from you forever and that this time it will be different; but my fluctuating weight tells a very different story.

How pathetic.

I declared my independence from you and here I am: ever ready to stick by you. But no more. I am braced for battle and won’t be intimidated anymore.

Last week, with the encouragement of a friend, I ran just over 2 miles. When we started I told her that I would be ecstatic if I could run 1 mile total. The momentum of running downhill carried me through the first kilometer. A goal of 1.5K didn't seem that ridiculous. It was half the distance we had just run. 500 meters. Don't people sprint that in races? I can definitely keep going and run 1.5K. Did you know that 1.6K is a mile? I didn't either until we ran it. The second mile had a similar story. The last quarter mile was an exercise of will power over pain. For the most part pain won.

But I guess what this has taught me about myself is that I'm not a total failure and can push myself to achieve things I never before thought possible. Also, in the event of the zombie apocalypse, if they give up after 2 miles, I'll survive.

"So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you can win a hundred battles without a single loss.
If you only know yourself, but not your opponent, you may win or may lose.
If you know neither yourself nor your enemy, you will always endanger yourself."

Fat, I know you and every day I learn more about me.

To our hundred battles ahead,

Fatticus

Sunday, January 03, 2010

The Fatshank Redemption

Dear Fit,

The handful of pounds that I lost last week came back in full force again this week, but I will not despair.  This still counts as a fit week because of the 5K Fatticus and I "ran" with our fit and skinny marathon-running friend on Thursday (to whom, by the way, you should donate money).  My calves feel abnormally solid now.  It still hurts to move my legs in certain directions, but I will not elaborate on which.

However, I will not pretend that this was an entirely healthful week either because I ate about 10 times more ice cream than I had intended to eat over the past few days.  My parents should know better than to leave Häagen-Dazs in our freezer.

Now that the holidays are over, there are no more excuses.  My pre-New Year's resolution will carry into this year.  50 pounds!

Eating more leaves,

I.M.