Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Fatcher in the Rye

Dear Fat,

You know, there are some people who will never let you forget that you're fat and they're skinny.  They just won't let you forget it.  You're fat; they're skinny.

Slowly (very slowly) I'm headed towards losing weight.  Sometimes I feel like all I can do is mope about how fat I am.  Other times I feel so empowered to get up and do something--some creative impetus is pushing me onward.  I usually lie down until that feeling passes.

I've signed up for the challenge.  Lose 2 lbs a week!  Maybe.  The articles about food are very enjoyable: "Eating strawberries may or may not cure obesity!  A study that might have been done suggested that sometimes things happen--maybe--that strawberries might be responsible for sometimes.  Maybe."  At least they're being honest; noncommittal--but honest.

I wish I could be as ambiguous with honesty.


Cryptically Yours,


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Fat's Cradle

is my stomach.

Dear Fat,

You might remember this.  Back in September, I was really good about portion control.  I mean, I was so good that I impressed myself, so I've been wondering whyyyyy is it so hard to get back to that state?  Where did I begin to fail?  Well, let's see, for the 2 weeks before we started what was supposed to be our weight-loss extravaganza, I tried to gain as much weight as possible to increase my starting weight (and thus make the 50-pounds-lighter weight be a higher and supposedly more attainable goal).  The first 10 pounds would be easy then.  No problem.

Here we are, 5 months in, and no progress.  Nix that.  Negative progress.  So, hey kids, don't cheat.

Portion control.  I just have to go like four days, and then I won't even notice it anymore.

Thus far, I've failed three days in a row.  What were those excuses, again?

Having my ass whooped by fat,


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Fat Magic Woman

Dear Fat,

I'm back! Did you get that postcard from New York I sent you? The trip was a blast! Oh my goodness, SO MUCH EATING. But you know all about that, don't you?

I'm not sure how I managed it, but I was able to lose another 1/2 pound this week. While this is exciting, I'm a little sad that 19 weeks in, I've only lost 7.5 pounds. I guess I'll just have to work harder.

I'm trying to eat less at night, since I'm mostly just sleeping in the evenings and therefore don't need to consume calories for that. The other night I went to sleep starving after eating three segments of pomelo, two girl scout cookies and a slice of sandwich meat for dinner. Now I can't find my phone. I hope I didn't eat it in my sleep.

Can you just disapparate already?

Preparing for my O.W.L.s,

The best part of everything in my room being pink, is that it's all pink!

The worst part of everything in my room being pink, is that it's all pink...

Saturday, March 20, 2010

A Fail of Two Fatties

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times...

Dear Fat,

You win again.

Despite our efforts to catch up, fitness continues to elude us. (Because we're slow...) We've fallen off the track a bit but remain hopeful that we will succeed. Unfortunately, today was not a success story.

Excuses are easy to come by--Mexican food, improper footwear, the distance between two points--so here are a few more:

-Life hates us
-We'll be alone forever
-Cookies are delicious
-Running is hard
-It burns us

Tomorrow is a new day. A new day that will begin with running. Hopefully.

I.M., Fatticus

Friday, March 12, 2010

Les Misérfatles

Dear Fat,

I was eating ice cream so quickly today that I inhaled some and started choking.  This was karmic retribution for which of the following?

A) Not having exercised since last Tuesday
B) Eating more this past week than necessary for 3-30 human beings
C) Not updating this blog
D) Being a terrible person on the inside
E) All of the above

If you learned anything about multiple-choice questions in your K-12 education, you know that the answer is most likely E.  You are correct.

Actually, my karmic retribution this past week was probably my own MIOUOBMD, minus the BMD (see As I Lay Fattening).  Seriously, there was no nasal congestion.  My throat wasn't swollen.  My sinuses were clear, my head felt fine, my mucus was clear.  But the mucus was there, especially in the mornings with the overnight buildup.  My chain-smoker voice subsided only yesterday.  The coughing is still there.

I hope to make a full recovery by Sunday to take up jogging again.

Making my comeback,