Monday, May 31, 2010

Fat and Fatterer

Dear Fit,

You suck. We died.



Dear Fat,

You win. We're coming back to you now.


Dear Couch-to-5K,

PWN'D.


Fatfitfully,

I.M., Fatticus

Friday, May 28, 2010

The Fatter

Dear Fat,

I died today.

I realized that I need to cut my nails before running--and that I need to stop clenching my fists.  It does not make the running any easier.  Today was the first 30 minute non-stop run.  Yay?

Either I'm a really terrible judge of distance, or I am really really slow, because 30 minutes passed with me still very far from home.  Even with the speed boost given by the Pokemon theme song, I still hadn't reached the final hill home.  So I ran that too.  Yes.  You read that correctly.  I kept running.  I ran for 34 minutes almost nonstop.  I say almost because I slowed down three times: 1. To scare a crow away from someone's trash can that was throwing it all over the street.  Gross bird.  2. To push someone's sprinkler head back down so it wouldn't leak water for the rest of the day.  Go Earth!  3. To open the gate so I could get out of the neighborhood and back to my house.  Not only did I stop for personal freedom, but to help others.  I still count it as 34 uninterrupted minutes of running.  And death.  Lots of death.

I saw a cute baby bunny.  It ran from me.

Existentially,

Fatticus

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Fativer Twist

Dear Fat,

Week 8 of the nine-week (ha!) Couch-to-5K running plan has been completed!!  Great.  One more week and then I'm free!  Free from the burden of running!

Oh wait, that's not how it actually works, right?

Perf.  More suffering.  After this program is over, there's not even a countdown; it's just a long, slow (and I mean slow), unending journey to fitness until the day I finally die.  Which, if this morning is any indication, will probably happen mid-"run".  My lungs!!

In other fitness related happenings, I finally tried out my Pussycat Dolls workout video (be jealous) and it was awesome.  And terrifying.  Awesomely terrifying?  Terrifyingly awesome.  A few facts I learned from it:

1. I am not sexy
2. I cannot gyrate in a sexy fashion
3. My hips crack A LOT
4. Watching scantily clad gyrating women makes me incredibly uncomfortable
5. Slapping one's bum should never be a theme in any type of choreography

I gained 3.5 pounds after Hawaii, but I've lost 1.5 of that again, and have brought total weight loss to 8.5 lbs.  Can I make it to 10 lbs this week?

Probably not.

Please sir, may I have some more?

Fatticus


Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Fatiad

Dear Fat,

I realized that I didn't provide a sufficient account of my fatty exploits over the past few weeks in yesterday's entry.  Today, I am providing the prequel.

Part 1 - Cheese is delicious:
Three weeks ago, while I was home, Fatticus and I went on a hike.  For lunch, we acted against our cravings for delicious Mexican or Indian food and went to Whole Foods to pick up ingredients for a healthy sandwich+salad lunch.  Alas, our attempts to eat in moderation failed.  We bought 4 types of cheese, French bread, crostinis, curry chicken salad, greek orzo salad, salad salad, olive tapenade, more olives, and grape tomatoes.  Our total bill came to something over $60.  What is the lesson here?  Humboldt Fog cheese is delicious.  Thank you, other tall Asian person.

Part 2 - Chinese people subconsciously want you to be fat:
Two weeks ago, my great uncle and great aunt came to visit.  What happens when Chinese relatives come to visit?  A lot of food happens, really unhealthy food.  We'll sit down to dinner, and out of 6 dishes, only one will not be dominated by meat.  And there is no such thing as eating raw vegetables.  Vegetables must be fried or pickled.  Lesson?  Spicy food is AWESOME!  If it doesn't burn, it's not food.

Part 3 - Jogging sucks:
Last week, I "ran" the Coronado Bridge Run (~4 miles).  By "ran," I mean that by the time we actually reached the bridge, I was already red-faced and breathing like a dying horse.  As we started the ascent, as children and the elderly were passing me, I gave up and walked.  I tried jogging on and off, but really.  Jogging sucks.

Part 4 - My body wants me to think that eating fat is good for me:
Yesterday, I ate 2 pounds and 12 ounces of meat, right?  Salty, greasy, fatty meat.  Today, I weigh less, and my skin looks better.  Curse you, Universe.

Less gross,

I.M.

Friday, May 21, 2010

The Fatyssey

Dear Fat,

I had a challenge today to eat 3 pounds of meat, and I came out 4 ounces short.  Brazilian barbeque.  Chicken, beef, pork, fish.  Salt, grease.  It didn't really feel bad towards the end until I started to put more food in my mouth.  And then it felt gross.

I really thought it was going to be okay since I'd done Fenton's challenge back in college (3 pounds of ice cream in 20 minutes), but then again . . . a lot of that melted.  Maybe I was 4 ounces short back then too.

I'm a little disappointed that I didn't make it . . . but only a very little. 

Do you ever get that feeling where you swear that fat is just oooooooozing out of your skin?

Gross,

I.M.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Hawaii Fat-0

Dear Fat,

Back from vacation again.  I can't seem to vacation from you though.

While on a local bus to the Dole Plantation, an old lady asked me if I wanted a tract.  Trying to be nice, I accepted it and smiled.  She told me to get to know God and to cut back on the calories.  She repeated that last part.  Three times.  Yah.  That happened.  I almost told her that "Man judges man by outward appearances, but God judges by their hearts" but somehow felt that schooling her with Bible verses might be a little rude.  She was old after all.  If there is one thing I've learned at work, it's that old people don't hold anything back.  Even when they should.

We went hiking at Diamond Head Crater.  Note: this is not a place for flip flops, dresses or designer handbags.  The combination is terrifying.  Also, don't go at noon.  And don't walk the 3 miles from your hotel to the base of the crater and then up to the top.  And bring water.  These are all things to keep in mind while hiking up Mount Doom.

Aloha,

Fatticus

Oh, p.s. organic sunscreen is crap.  Slather yourself in chemicals or else you will surely burn.

Saturday, May 01, 2010

The Picture of Fatian Gray

Dear Fat,

If there was a portrait of me sitting in an attic somewhere, it'd probably be covered with pockmarks, boils, and those weird growths with little white hairs coming out of them.  Putting money in the jar hasn't really made me a prettier person inside or out (but damn, those hungry kids are going to well-fed by the end of this), so we're going to tack on another approach . . . I'll actually have to be less mean.

A friend once said to me that she's the most critical of people she finds most similar to herself.  For me, I have a more specific diagnosis.  I'm most critical of traits that I, myself, am afraid of possessing, and these traits are generally some distortion of ones that I have or used to have.

And so . . . let's do it!  Beauty on the inside and outside.  That's the goal.

Love,

I.M.