Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Old Fat and the Sea

Dear Fat,

5 weeks.  It has been 5 weeks since I've lost any weight.  35 days without any progress.  Not an ounce lighter... in fact, I've been gaining weight.  I don't update the weight tracker out of deep shame.  This is pathetic.  What happened to my epiphany?  I started exercising more... I guess I haven't eaten any less.  What happened to me?  What happened to my resolve?  More importantly, what happened to my tan?

I used to be a beautiful golden-brown caramel color... and now?  I spend my days in a box and toil in a sedentary daze... baaah!!  This is ridiculous.  It's time to hit the beach.  I just hope no one tries to push me into the water under the misconception that I am a beached whale.

Locked in an epic battle of wills,

Fatticus

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Hey Fittle Fittle

Hey fittle fittle,
The fat and the spittle,
The cow jumped into my stomach,
The little dog laughed to see such a monstrous number of calories enter a single person,
And the dish ran away out of luck.

Dear Fat and Fit,

I went jogging today.  Woo woo!  And, actually, I have been eating a LOT more salad.  However, from my continuing lack of weight loss, I suspect that I am not cutting back on calories as much as I had hoped.  The dairy products and the avocados are doing me in.

This week, I have a plan.  This week, if I don't reach at least 3 pounds below my starting weight (3 pounds is about how much excess food I think my abdomen holds at one time), I will make up for it by jogging EVERY DAY next week.  So let's hope that I make it.

Still a little sweaty,

I.M.

Friday, June 11, 2010

I Know Why the Fat Bird Sings

She's HUNGRY!

Dear Fat,

This week started off pretty well.  Tons of vegetables, fruit, almond milk, good stuff.  I was cutting back on calories but not starving myself.  It was good.

Today, I ate churros, funnel cake fries, meaty pizza, and just some really terrible things.  Deliciously terrible.

I'm a little sore from softball yesterday.  That counts as exercise, correct?  The soreness is from physical exertion and not from having been beaten by an actual softball (à la Fuzzy).

After reading this article, I'm considering rubbing my back and waddling every time I board a bus:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/8730106.stm

Chewing gum,

I.M.

The Last Fatcoon

Dear Fat,

I finally figured it out!  "What have you figured out?" you may wonder.  Well, I will tell you.  I have figured out how to defeat you.  It's so simple!  I can be rid of you forever in just two easy steps.  Get ready to quake with fear at this epiphany:

1) Eat less
2) Exercise more

Mua ha ha ha ha ha!!  Are you trembling?  Do you admit defeat?!  Are you shaken to the very depths of your jiggly core?!

That's what I thought.

Now, for follow-through!  I'm so empowered that I will start exactly right... after next Monday night.  I'm going out to dinner at a restaurant named Animal.  I think they serve something called "Praise the Lard".  I'm going to be fat forever.

Enlightened but not any lighter,

Fatticus

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

The Afatment

Dear Fat,

I went running again this morning.  I know, I know.  I said I'd never run again.  I promised I'd never do anything like that to you again.  Now here I am, stretching out from this morning's run.  I think I make promises to you just to break them.  I mean, like all of those times I promised that this was the last breakfast at McDonald's (it's freaking delicious and so conveniently close to work), or when I said that I was divorcing myself from you forever.  Yah, I totally kept those promises--not!

I guess I can just make more promises to you that I have no intention of keeping.
-I will never leave you
-I will never complain about you
-I will never be dissatisfied with the way you look
-I will never wish you away from me
-I will always love you, just the way you are.

It's times like this that I think my attentions would be better focused on a person, rather than on my gross fat blobs.  Oops!  Looks like I've already broken a promise to you.

Honestly and completely unfacetiously,

Fatticus

p.s. I also promise I will not try to transform every aspect of my life into a musical.  Rats.  I lied again.