Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Fatch-22

Dear Fat,

Today I read the story of one red paperclip and was inspired.  I currently have, on my body, 50+ pounds of fat that I am willing to trade up for a new life.  I will take any offer, travel anywhere, to trade these 50 pounds until I eventually end up with a new life.

The One Red Paperclip project was really interesting in that it challenged the idea of value.  He started with one red paperclip and ended up with a house.  Oh yah?  Each new trade was an upgrade from the last item.  First a paperclip for a pen, a pen for a knob... all the way to a house.  Can I make a similar series of trades?

I guess it's time for me to reevaluate my ideas of value.  Right now, an In-N-Out cheeseburger with animal fries would bring me intense joy.  In-N-Out = high value.  A wilted, not tasty salad with bone dry "grilled" chicken brings me pain.  Salad = low value.  This is my current value assessment system and has been for pretty much my entire life.  Clearly it has not been working out for me.

Now for a change of bases.  Value will now be measured in terms of nutrients rather than flavor.  Gross salad with weird spicy/bitter/pretty-sure-they-are-common-weeds of nastiness?  Bring. It. On.

I am uptrading.  Uptrading my laziness for a regular exercise schedule.  Uptrading my body fat for a new wardrobe.  Uptrading my self-loathing for an awesome new life where stairs will not take another breath from me!

I guess I'm a little stuck on that first trade.  I can't get out of bed to exercise in the morning because I can't fall asleep at night and am exhausted in the morning.  I can't fall asleep at night because I'm not exercising in the morning and working out at night makes me more sleepless.  Eff.

Getting the flies out of my eyes,

Fatticus

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Fateefer Madness

Dear Fat,

Hello, my name is I.M., and I have a problem.  (Where are the donuts?)

First, a question: Why do people smoke?  Maybe it was those 5 million D.A.R.E. lessons we had as kids, but I always thought that the only logical answer was no.  Then, you meet people who only smoke "socially," people who otherwise eat super-healthy foods and exercise regularly.  And then, you meet people who chew nicotine gum just for the hell of it.  It's bad, but . . . how much worse is it than the occasional drunken blackout?  And do any of these things inflict more bodily damage than my irreverent eating habits?  You can argue about lesser evils, but argument won't lead to eradication.

Now, the real question: Why do I eat?  Enough about that gaping hole in my self-esteem from childhood.  I've outgrown that.  It seems like I eat because I don't know how not to eat.

Out of curiosity, I was looking at the website for Food Addicts, and one of the questions they ask is this: "Are you waiting for your life to begin 'when you lose the weight?'"  I would like to think that I'm better than that, but it wouldn't be true.  Sometimes I believe that all of the problems in my life will go away once I'm skinny: my lack of a boyfriend, my inability to learn any sports, my acanthosis nigricans.  Time, however, will probably prove that it was never my weight that was holding me back.

Well, at least not more than a little bit.

Powerless over food?

I.M.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Fatsuasion

Dear Fat,

I lost half a pound last week!  Woo!  That's... disappointing.  But at least I'm headed in the right direction again.  Ugh.  I wish losing weight was easier... but it's just so hard!  I try to motivate myself to exercise, but for the most part I'm just entirely too lazy.

My sister is getting married in four and a half weeks.  I was thoroughly convinced that I would be at least 25 pounds lighter by the time of her wedding when she first got engaged.  In September 2008.  How the eff have I managed to hover around the same weight for TWO YEARS?!  I'm really bad at this.

My birthday is in a week.  Your gift can be getting out of my life forever.  Thanks.

Persuasively,

Fatticus

P.s. On a happy note, maybe I will have that Jersey Shore themed party after all...






Sunday, July 04, 2010

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Fat

Dear Fat,

Remember my last entry where I said I would go jogging everyday this week if I didn't reach 3 pounds below my starting weight?  Well, I didn't lose any weight.  And I didn't go jogging.

Chopping off 8 inches of hair didn't shave off even a fraction of a pound.  Does that mean I gained that fraction?  Perhaps the fine neck musculature that used to whip those long, wavy locks around has also converted into excess pudge.

Yesterday, I ate 4 dinners.  No joke.

Today, a day of 2 barbeques, wasn't as terrible as it could have been, but I did consume 2 hamburgers, 1 black bean burger, 2 hot dogs, 3 servings of potato salad, 3 servings of beans, corn on the cob, donut holes, cake, broccoli salad with bacon, and . . . the rest is just a blur.

You'd think that today would be an excellent day to declare my independence from fat, but who are we kidding?  I'm still a little hungry.  Where's that spicy beef . . .

In some degree of seriousness, though, I've been learning through various conversations and facebook stalking that certain people I used to know have now ballooned up to what seems like 10 times their previous volume, and it is quite frightening.  In a way, I've been lucky not to have experienced an exponential increase in weight these past few years, but the danger is there.  I'm not getting any younger, and my metabolism isn't getting any better.  If I want to be skinny, it really has to start now.

So here's to tomorrow, our next day of fitness: tennis, hiking, and softball.  And a salad for lunch.  Just a salad.
Well, maybe a soup, too.
What about a sandwich if I don't get bacon on it?

Aspiring to lean calf muscles and not these bulky cows that I lug around,

I.M.