Monday, September 27, 2010

The Yellow Fatpaper

Dear Insanity Workout,

You are insane.

Please make me skinny,

Fatticus

Friday, September 24, 2010

I, Fatbot

Dear Fat,

I got an allergy patch test plastered to my back on Monday.  Numbered grids with medical tape all along the edges.  It looks like I am being converted into a robot.

Anyway, not being allowed to get my back wet means no sweating, which also means no jogging.  Unfortunately, I've also been a little complacent about my eating habits.  Portion control is still there, but I think my food choices have been questionable.  My weight has been declining throughout the week (yes, I know, I'm not supposed to weigh myself everyday), but I think that my muscles are atrophying from lack of exercise.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-11340881

Perhaps I should stop brooding about fat so my brain doesn't waste away, too . . .

Until next time,

I.M.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Anatomy of a Faturder

Dear Fat,

Hunger makes me feel so alive!  Nothing makes you so aware of your body as the constant grumbling that radiates through your gastrointestinal tract to upset the balance of your physical energy and sanity.  I think that I am being hit by fits of delirium.  I get sudden, unprovoked cravings for random, delicious food items--short ribs, a smoky Western burger, awesome cheeses, mashed potatoes, fried chicken--but all I can do now is chew gum.  I'm going through like a pack a day.  This can't be good.  I'm going to get gum-chewing wrinkles.  Nobody wants that.  And I'm out of kale . . .

Shouldn't the hunger have subsided by now?  I don't remember it being this bad before.  What's going on?!  I'm eating!  I swear I am!  I'm eating as much as a normal-sized person ought to eat!

My scalp is drying out.  I think I've been rinsing my hair too much.  Either that, or cutting the fat from my diet is sucking the moisture from my integumentary system.  I think my old roommate once said that her hair looked the best when she was eating junk food everyday.  Is this the sacrifice I have to make?  Skinny but with dry, poofy hair?  I can't make these decisions!

I'm getting an allergy test done next week, and I can't wash my back from Monday to Friday.  I think that means I'm going to avoid jogging from Monday to Friday, but that also means that I should jog more up until that point.  I haven't exercised since my capsizing on Sunday.  I will do so tomorrow.  But I'm hungry . . . what if I don't make it?  No!  No one will find this overweight body fallen to the wayside.  I will do it!  And it's going to be awesome!

Doubting,

I.M.

Wheel of Fatune

Dear Fat,

What the eff?  I was supposed to be really healthy last night.  I was healthy in the morning and afternoon.  A bowl of cereal with almond milk (thanks roomie for letting me drink all the almond milk) for breakfast.  A white nectarine and moderate to human portion of Chinese food (thanks mommy for letting me steal all of your food) for lunch.

My plan was to eat something with lots of vegetables.  Like a sandwich that had veggies, more veggies, lean meat and no cheese/bacon/fattening things on it.  Yum.  Subway makes a sandwich like that.  What did I eat?  A double-double from In-n-Out and ice cream when I got home.

What am I doing?  What, what, what, what, WHAT am I doing?  Even when I go to In-n-Out I never get a double-double.  What?  WHAT?!  How did I arrive at this fatty dinner of fatness?

Let's take a look:

I ate a moderate breakfast
I ate a small lunch
I resisted afternoon snacking
This made me starving by 5
I managed to stave off my hunger pains by focusing on all the rage building within me
I left the office at 6:15 to go to a Relay for Life meeting (donate to me please) with the intention of dropping off my money and running
I stayed until 7:30 in order to drop off money
I decided I would drive back to the apartment
In starvation mode I went to In-n-Out
Still starving, I decided that I was so hungry I needed to eat MORE than I would ever normally eat
I ate my burger like a fatty on my drive home
Disappointed and angry with myself for eating so terribly, I verbally berated myself until I got home
Still angry, I scooped myself a bowl of ice cream and angrily ate to appease my former anger
Angrier still, I sat unmoving until my roommate got home so I could force her to exercise with me

I've noticed that I've been very angry recently.  This anger leads to a lot of poor decisions on my part.  Which, naturally, leads to more anger.  I try to convince myself that I should eat something that is less immediately satisfying (like cold cereal instead of bacon) because it doesn't make me hate myself like I always do after eating fattening food.  Also, it doesn't make me physically ill.  Also, as oatmeal doesn't make my already fat neck any fatter, there's the long term mitigation of self hatred inherent in eating it.  All logic and reason points to eating healthfully.  However, stomach still overpowers brain in moments of weakness.  This weakness generally stems from moments of anger.

Why am I so angry?

I have zero job satisfaction.  I don't like the way my body looks.  I hate that I feel so powerless against food.

And in looking at my letter to you, Fat, I think I see another reason for my rage.  I've been so self-obsessed for so long now.  Frick.  Why is it so easy to focus on myself?  And all the negative?  The point I was trying to build was that I'm stuck in an angry wheel of fatness.  But of course I am!  I'm a freaking self-obsessed, self-pitying brat!  Yah, there's a lot of negative in the world and in the way I feel.  But there's also a whole lot of positive.  Time to focus on the good in life.  Like double rainbows (so intense)

Smile.  Because no one's gonna drag you out to get into the light where you belong.  Oh where do I belong?

In the spotlight,

Fatticus

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Fitterhood of the Traveling Pants

Dear Fit,

I bought these new jeans on Saturday, and I tried them on in the store.  They were a little tight, so I thought, "Cool, I'll just slim down a little, and then they'll fit fine." All I did was wash them in cold water yesterday and dry on low heat.  Today, they're way too loose.  Wtf happened?  Have I lost weight since Saturday?  Maybe . . . maybe not.  Was I that bloated?  More likely.

I've discovered an AWESOME workout.  All you have to do is capsize a kayak and try really unsuccessfully to get back on.  My unintentional swimming adventure yesterday has left my upper arms quite sore.  And perhaps the saltwater played a part in debloating me.

Looking forward to a delicious dinner of kale salad,

I.M.

Friday, September 10, 2010

The Fats of Wrath

Dear Fit,

I am so exercised.  Last weekend, I went kayaking for 2 hours, and then I went jogging, and then I did crunches.  I've been doing crunches every evening, and I went jogging yesterday.  I'm going to go jogging tomorrow, and I'll be kayaking again with my sister on Sunday.  Exercise!  I win!

Exercise is not enough, of course.  I have re-realized the real solution: Hunger.  I need to eat like those normal-sized people who actually care about food and exercise.  Small meals.  Save leftovers.  More leaves.  No snacking!

Look in the mirror.  What do I see?  Nothing!  I'm sitting at the wrong angle to see myself, but I know what I would see.  There is too much weight to be lost, and I will not allow the FoF 1-year anniversary to pass without a single pound shed.  We have our long-term goal, and we have our milestones.  My short-term goal is going to be 10 pounds before November 12th.

Gah, so hungry,

I.M.

Northanger ABbey

Dear Fat,

Hey, what's up?  I hope this letter finds you in as much pain as I am in.

I've set a goal of doing 50 crunches a day. 25 in the morning.  25 in the evening.  I missed my Sunday crunches and did 150 on Monday to make up for the missed 50 with an extra 50 as punishment.  My abs hurt.  A lot.

I think I need to deskercise more.  The fact that I hate my life and my body ultimately stem from how much I hate my job.  Maybe I'd hate it less if I could pretend that it was making me more fit. Or it would make me look so insane they'd let me take medical leave.  It's a win-win situation.

Crunchily,

Fatticus