Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Wheel of Fatune

Dear Fat,

What the eff?  I was supposed to be really healthy last night.  I was healthy in the morning and afternoon.  A bowl of cereal with almond milk (thanks roomie for letting me drink all the almond milk) for breakfast.  A white nectarine and moderate to human portion of Chinese food (thanks mommy for letting me steal all of your food) for lunch.

My plan was to eat something with lots of vegetables.  Like a sandwich that had veggies, more veggies, lean meat and no cheese/bacon/fattening things on it.  Yum.  Subway makes a sandwich like that.  What did I eat?  A double-double from In-n-Out and ice cream when I got home.

What am I doing?  What, what, what, what, WHAT am I doing?  Even when I go to In-n-Out I never get a double-double.  What?  WHAT?!  How did I arrive at this fatty dinner of fatness?

Let's take a look:

I ate a moderate breakfast
I ate a small lunch
I resisted afternoon snacking
This made me starving by 5
I managed to stave off my hunger pains by focusing on all the rage building within me
I left the office at 6:15 to go to a Relay for Life meeting (donate to me please) with the intention of dropping off my money and running
I stayed until 7:30 in order to drop off money
I decided I would drive back to the apartment
In starvation mode I went to In-n-Out
Still starving, I decided that I was so hungry I needed to eat MORE than I would ever normally eat
I ate my burger like a fatty on my drive home
Disappointed and angry with myself for eating so terribly, I verbally berated myself until I got home
Still angry, I scooped myself a bowl of ice cream and angrily ate to appease my former anger
Angrier still, I sat unmoving until my roommate got home so I could force her to exercise with me

I've noticed that I've been very angry recently.  This anger leads to a lot of poor decisions on my part.  Which, naturally, leads to more anger.  I try to convince myself that I should eat something that is less immediately satisfying (like cold cereal instead of bacon) because it doesn't make me hate myself like I always do after eating fattening food.  Also, it doesn't make me physically ill.  Also, as oatmeal doesn't make my already fat neck any fatter, there's the long term mitigation of self hatred inherent in eating it.  All logic and reason points to eating healthfully.  However, stomach still overpowers brain in moments of weakness.  This weakness generally stems from moments of anger.

Why am I so angry?

I have zero job satisfaction.  I don't like the way my body looks.  I hate that I feel so powerless against food.

And in looking at my letter to you, Fat, I think I see another reason for my rage.  I've been so self-obsessed for so long now.  Frick.  Why is it so easy to focus on myself?  And all the negative?  The point I was trying to build was that I'm stuck in an angry wheel of fatness.  But of course I am!  I'm a freaking self-obsessed, self-pitying brat!  Yah, there's a lot of negative in the world and in the way I feel.  But there's also a whole lot of positive.  Time to focus on the good in life.  Like double rainbows (so intense)

Smile.  Because no one's gonna drag you out to get into the light where you belong.  Oh where do I belong?

In the spotlight,


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